Hellos
Have always
sounded like goodbyes,
They are gone before
they are ever fully here.
Tracing the marks
I etched over my walls.
Those sweet words
Mixed with poison,
Scare me the most
I eat them up each time,
Always asking for
more in the end.
My name like feathers
In their mouths,
They pick at it until
There’s nothing left.
Your soul
A love letter
Written in cursive.
Carefully woven
together,
Flowing
Abruptly
Into my skin
As if it were the sea
Beckoning my name.
I let your smile
Wash over me,
For a moment I forget
About
The rain cloud
That rests above my head,
Oh how will
I ever forget
Your sunny disposition?
Stepping out has always
Been dreadful for me my dear,
But you are
like the sun during
golden hour,
Warm,
Fleeting,
Your eyes like
Weltering flowers
Begging to rest,
Let me kiss them to sleep.
This apricot sky
Can never be as
Sweet as you,
Still I am afraid to leave this place,
So I will admire you from
This dusty
Window.
If you ever need to hide,
My arms will always welcome you.
This recumbent state
Of living is not how I wish it to be
But it’s the little things
That torture and pick
At me endlessly
Like the way the sun
Had glistened off
Your eyelashes,
Liquefying my walls,
I quickly try to board
myself back up
Hoping you didn’t notice.
Your eyes,
I fear they will look into me
And see too much
Yet never enough,
I used to live more
dangerously
But somehow
That jaded knife
still lingers in my chest.
Maybe one day
I’ll have the courage to
Pull it out and
throw it into the river,
But it’s hard to do when
Affection does not mean
Someone will love you,
And it’s even harder when
you’ve grown used to
The sadness that lingers
Over your shoulders.
Lilac moon,
Apricot kiss,
Always on the verge
of something arising,
But never beginning.
This endless winter has
cradled my limbs
for years and years,
So forgive me but
I am fearful of the sun,
But here you are again.
Only used to empty words
And lifeless glances,
So what is this warmth
I feel in my fingertips?
If you want me too,
I’ll come back from the dead.
Please don’t rattle this
Coffined heart just for fun,
I dig the hole deeper each time
I resurrect it.
Though it may disappear,
Still I can’t help
but smile
At the thought of you being near.
So I embroider the stars
With your name,
even if you
decide not to stay,
That secret sky will shine bright.
Be honest with yourself
Just this once.
You left me outside your door again,
Made me lose my breath,
Summer rain stayed in
These hazy eyes for months.
You toss my words to the floor,
Just like my clothes on that winter night.
Those starlit eyes
never once looked into mine,
That girl from before
and the one who now calls your arms home,
I’ll never know that embrace.
Sending secret messages through the wind,
praying I’ll get to see you again.
That’s all over now,
the sweet taste of your memory
has turned sour.
Despondent daydreams
And
Vacant eyes.
With a closed mouth,
You say to get a clue.
I can see it clearly,
She’s the only girl
you think of,
You see her in everything
like I do with you.
Make believe there isn’t
Light years between us,
But those empty kisses
Keep filling me up
Im bursting at the seams.
My scattered remains on the floor
slowly turn too flowers,
Those are my endless thoughts.
You can pick them apart if you’d like
Do what you want,
I just keep hoping you don’t leave.
Hey darling,
Why don’t you want me?
It’s been months,
your grenadine kiss
Stained on my lips,
They tasted of new beginnings.
The freckles on your body
A road map I followed,
Lighthearted angel,
I can’t take my
Eyes off of you
As you leave.
What do I do
When looking at
someone else
Feels so much like a sin,
Your smile the only
sacred thing in my life,
Even now I long
To be the flowers
Beneath your feet.
Even now
I wish
You were here
Next to me.
Trying to catch my breath but there’s stones at the bottom of these lungs. I am heavy, stagnant, yet always on the run. Most days feel like an endless inferno, I am too mesmerized by the colors to realize that I am burning. My bones now brittle, crumbling like stale bread each time I try to carry the weight of others expectations. Trying to pick up the pieces always starts a civil war inside these four walls; wrestling with the voice that wants me to drop dead. I can tell it’s getting bad again when I don’t understand why I’m sad. When I don’t want to leave this bed. Those are the days I can’t even look at myself, my mind becomes a magpie of insults I find in between the spaces of the numbers on that scale I keep by my bedside. It’s become an obsession to know how much space I take up; some days I tell myself that not eating enough is self-love. And to this body I owe an apology. You never give up on me even when I say you’re worthless because you cannot grow roses, only dandelions inside this desolate shrine. I cannot promise this will be the last time I take a hammer to these walls but I will try to rebuild this architecture; one that is built with forgiveness and kindness. I will learn to love you with every changing molecule. My sympathetic temple, this is my apology letter. This is my way of saying thank you.
I thought I moved on from it all but I keep looking in my rear view mirror, wondering if you’ll ever appear. Deep down I know I’d turn around if you asked me too. My heart once light as feathers, solidifies with pain as the space between us grows bigger. The fire that rages behind your bird cage ribs, lit the road I traveled on but you’d never let me cross that bridge. The one that connected to your electric soul, the one that entails a future and a past with memories not yet lived. Kept at a distance, but close enough to feel the heat. For you, my love was an open border. I let you engrave your name on my skin but if that’s all it was I think I lost something I won’t ever get back again. My detrimental muse, I hear you in hidden hymns of the sky, I notice your warmth in my morning coffee, I can feel your guitar hands in these covers.! Once a gentle lover, now I walk with tight fists. Though I’ve surpassed the worst of this storm, still I wait for my heart to resurrect. To sanctify my life I have to shed this very skin. I must leave behind the part of you I still carry inside, but to forget you… I am anything but willing.
